The Kingdom Of The Core.

[Seamonster]

This is the second part of "The Backstory of Planet U and its inhapidents". But this non-canon, and i want those of you that want to do it, to tell me what you liked about this story. And i mean that you can critic the story and tell me what you dident like or what you did like, and remember to give your rating at the end of the by writhing for example: "one and a half star". But dont writhe things like "This is the worst thing that i have ever seen" or any of that, be serious, and if there is some spelling errors, please tell me so i can fix it.

"Long after the fall of the "elemental beings" and when they became the monsters that now lives in the caves under the planet. the monsters that lived in the inner core of the planet, the core monsters was their name, and not only where they stronger then they other monsters but they had also regain their intelligence (well, some of it). They had also gain a leader, the Core King, the biggest and strongest monster on planet U. the Core King order his minions to build a fortress to their kind so they could have the energy from the core crystal all for them self. Many years later, the Core kingdom was now beginning its growing, the Core King send out his soldiers to take over all the caves on the planet, and while they did that they also made the other monsters their mindless slaves, and captured the animals and creatures on the planet to use them as pets or as punishment to their slaves. After several thousand years, the Core King was controlling almost half of the Planet, and it was then the Rock Raiders came. While the rock raiders and the Core King dident know about its others they began to know after a while. The Core King had finely began to notice the Raiders when one of his minions reported that he had seen three rock raiders not far away from their Lava gates, and the minion said that he send out a group of Lava monsters to kill the raiders, and open the lava gate to burn them. But unknown to the minion and the Core King, the three raiders had survived both the lava monsters and the lava, and was continuing their mining. Some time later the Core King got news that the Rock Raiders was somewhere otside their fortress and was looking fore energy crystals. The Core King was pleased with this and ordered his minions to send out as many slaves and creatures to stop the Raiders at all cost, but sadly to the King the Raiders won and got away with a big amoung of crystals,and the King was afraid that the Raiders would destroy his Kingdom. But to his surprise, the Raiders left Planet U and did not return. The King was wondering if the Raiders would return, but as the days went bay, he decided that the Raiders would not return after all. But some years later, the Kings worries would become true, as L.M.S. Explorer return to Planet U. but now the Core King had full control over the planet. And the Rock Raiders would find out that now they had to fight against the Core King and his armies of Core,Rock,Lava,Ice and other types of monsters and creatures that was unknown to the Raiders." Here ends the Story of Planet U, Now begins the War of Planet U.

[Seamonster]

Way arent anyone commenting here? It it so bad, that anyone is afraid to give it a look?

[Minifig9292]

Uh...

I like the premise and the idea very much, it's very creative and interesting.

But the execution and the presentation was uhm...

Very uh...

...Do you want the truth?

[Seamonster]

Uh...

I like the premise and the idea very much, it's very creative and interesting.

But the execution and the presentation was uhm...

Very uh...

...Do you want the truth?

Yes!

[Minifig9292]

The execution and the way you word your story was very poor.

You need to understand what voice you're writing in.

An example is I'm writing up character narratives in the form of a Government/Business report. Here's a bit from one, I'm showing you this to demonstrate how voice affects the subject matter greatly. Maybe you can critique me as well if you want.

To create an android, a mind must be transferred over into the unit to create its personality, “genderâ€, appearance, and level of intellect. The subject must also undergo a mind transfer willingly, attempts to force a person into one has resulted in the subject either going into a very long coma, or a nearly painless death; the equivalent to falling asleep and not waking up. The only thing that is removed from a subject’s mind during the process is the memories, to avoid a stimulus overload due to the sensation of being forced into a new body. Unfortunately, after a length of time (exact measurement depends on the individual unit) the unit may experience memories that were inevitably missed during the deletion process in the form of “dreamsâ€. This is known as the Electric-Sheep effect, or ESE. When an android experiences their first ESE they will be confused and unable to concentrate on a task for the period of about 3 days. After multiple ESEs, the android will begin to search for the people in these echoes of memories from their former selves. Others may simply attempt to track down their former self, utterly unaware that they are deceased. When most units are told this fact they dispute it entirely. At this point the unit must be shutdown and reset. The reason I included this information is because Tom is the only android who has never even experienced a known ESE despite him being active for longer than any android on record. It is very possible any ESE he has had within the past year had gone unnoticed by company sensors due to him staying off the grid...

I don;t write how I talk unless it's diolouge, but that isn't how *I* talk.

I think about the character and I think how he/she/it would think.

I also avoid using the same word multiple times and I instead use synonyms.

What you had was very VERY good, but the idea was the good part, the presentation was poor.

Rewrite what you had, it has potential.

[Cirevam]

You may not know this Katatonic, but Seamonster does not speak English fluently. From what I recall he's a native Norwegian. Give him some leeway when he's writing. He can get his ideas through, at any rate.

[McJobless]

This story sounds pretty interesting. Please do write more...and also, I'd add screenshots for illustrations/awesomeness ;P

[Minifig9292]

You may not know this Katatonic, but Seamonster does not speak English fluently. From what I recall he's a native Norwegian. Give him some leeway when he's writing. He can get his ideas through, at any rate.

I'm sorry, I wasn't aware.

But like I said before, the idea is VERY good.

I like it.

[Seamonster]

You may not know this Katatonic, but Seamonster does not speak English fluently. From what I recall he's a native Norwegian. Give him some leeway when he's writing. He can get his ideas through, at any rate.

I'm sorry, I wasn't aware.

But like I said before, the idea is VERY good.

I like it.

and if you dident know it. But the story in the online game idea that i had that i called Rock Raiders Online, takes place after this story, and is the Battle of Planet U.